The things I can change, i try.
The things I can't, I tell to fuck off.
The memories .. the memories are something aurelius never prepared me for.
It's almost to the annual sadness time. The strange dreams and fever dream emotions are coming.
I want to cry, to just . purge, but I can't. I can feel tears welling up, but they never start the casacade of emotional purge.
2009-2010 > A combination of meeting the right /wrong girl in a different time zone. Queue sleep schedule fucked and erratic work performance. Meet girl, like girl, love girl, find out girl is still involved...find girl distant, find girl talking to other dudes > drink.
Lose job. Blame budget cuts. Blame being a tech person managed by a standoffish creative writing ph.d. Blame self.
2010-now: Got job at fortune 500 that is prosperous , but not sharing. regret not buying stocks 4 years ago at 50$ when now close to 20
Money tight thanks to a student loan I co-signed for defaulting.
Hair, back to long.
Beard: As bushy as I can be with corporate dress guidelines, scared that the bit that grows faster might be cancer (even though it's done that since 15)
It's not often
It could be an infection or just the excessive response I have to some things.
I've recently been coughing coughing blood/spitting it.
Again it's not often, but it scares the shit out of me.
Which has also led to blood loss.
I am a mess
The collective of weight of having kept words cramped up in my head for so long is astounding.
The chance to really speak and be heard was a core principle of my younger self. One that I believed must be honored on both sides of any interaction, but that I could give a little more ear and a bit less tongue and maybe help someone.
I realize I was wrong in this or at least in investing emotion so strongly in the listening. I was wrong in shutting up so fiercly in the recursive that I cut myself out of my own support networks. I went , essentially, emotionally and socially off the grid for alot of people.
Then I *did* go off everyones radar with loss of 1st bigboy job and the subsequent ..well, we shall say "troubles" but in reality we know it means "I was unemployed and sad as a bad fuck"
I've had the thoughts swirling to talk or write..and writing seems safer since the people I see day to day do not know the history.
In the end it doesn't matter. Writing it makes me re-exmaine it and remember and .. perhaps that is the best thing. The emotional equivalent of walk it off or phobia exposure therapy. Interact with the things that make you twitch till you don't twitch.
I have apparently been too long away from the mundane life. Statements that that amount to " I got a job!..Imma go spend x money" make me consider just halting all contact with the world and finding one of those cave studies and living there.
It's not like i've been getting laid or real interaction in my current state of life.
That will be a story for another time.
Wed, Jul. 9th, 2014, 06:24 pm
The Angry has been strong in me ..for the last few years.
The struggle for an ability to go to sleep without grinding teeth ..is constant and the methods I've used to defeat it (Alcohol, not sleeping) are stop gaps stretch too far.
Now I've had others burdens layered on those old memories finally shushing into ash and.. the pyre burns again.
Disturbed people do disturbed and confusing and illogical things. We know that are a gratuitous numbers on the streets, behind bars, in private and public homes.
These people after diagnosis are deprived access to dangerous things, but we do not force screenings or hospitalization for various reasons.
Angry, drunk and jealous people do things that are confusing and illogical. We cannot account for them at all moments.
Yet we can perhaps make it a little more discerning to access the tools by which they make mayhem. Yes, I've seen the studies on England where there is an increase in knife attacks, but the death toll shows lower and the amount of lethall attacks significantly lower.
My personal beliefs aside, how comfortable are with having access to tools (for hunting, protection of crops/family/etc) being so easily turned into weapons of pain or murder? Most of the people I know who own guns are sensible but there are also people who fall on and off their medication, people who (like the recent Kc chief murder/suicide) hit something that breaks them (potential mental illness aside).
I'm conflicted on this logically between rights of the few versus rights of the majority.
Sat, Aug. 25th, 2012, 10:45 pm
I'm starting to wonder when I lost my voice. I am afraid that I'm coming to the conclusion that it was a need/desire ration. I post the proper bits of myself and no one responds then there is no incentive to post again. That might be very self centered ... but it's a very Pavlovian way to approach it when I look at my history.
Does anyway care to hear these word??
"I just remember you having some amazing thoughts and a gifted way in putting them into words (kind of logic put poetically). I always wondered if writing would become a special outlet of expression for you.
Angela and I have a couple artist friends in Dallas and we occasionally attend art openings and happenings in some of the grungier (read inhabited by real people) galleries in Deep Ellum. I've seen a few spoken word artists there over the past few years and have thought about you each time I listen to one."
Tue, Aug. 14th, 2012, 01:22 am
The hours seem to be thinning. I'm not sure if it's a matter of life becoming peasant gruel thin or age. I also fear that it is the future that age and memory prepares us for that as we have experienced life the repeats have less savor. I need to spend more brain time on this, but those of ou who still read..what do you think? Does the newness ever fade with bits of experienced life